Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
