Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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