We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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