Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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