The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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