just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
