Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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