how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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