Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
