Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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