oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
