nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
