what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize