Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
