Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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