don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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