I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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