You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
