How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
