I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
