I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
