if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
