wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
