Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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