Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
