I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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