it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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