Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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