We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
