so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
