I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
