Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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