shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
