I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
