Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
