sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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