shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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