So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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