Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
