either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
