Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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