Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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