When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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