Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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