Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
