true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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