I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
