just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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