He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
