smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
