You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
