I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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