my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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