Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You need Xanax blowdarts
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
