You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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