just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
