On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
