Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
