Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize