you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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