I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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