so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
