Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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