If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
