Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
