and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
