Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
