How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
