Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
