Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
