how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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