Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
