Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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