Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
