dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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