I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
