if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
